It is interesting to me that I experience emotions in a sort of physical or physiologic manner. The way my body reacts even, some times, gets translated into the very word. For example, heart-break or heart broken – we feel terrible and sad and the hormones that the body creates causes tension and sensation in the chest and thus the heart is broken. When we are sad, food doesn’t taste as good, our appetite goes down and we feel the weight of the world – we are depressed.
There are many synonyms for sadness – unhappiness, sorrow, dejection, depression, misery, despondency, despair, desolation, wretchedness, gloom, gloominess, dolefulness, melancholy, mournfulness, woe, heartache, grief. And I can cycle through them until I find one whose undefinable nuances seem to fit how I feel.
Two weeks ago I hurt my back quite badly and, after a few days of quite debilitating pain had a consult with a neurosurgeon, an mri and an injection into my spine. The pain is down about 50% but I feel fragile and am quite concerned about doing more damage. Surgery is not possible so, until I feel better – if I do – my caregivers are in the house from Jackie’s wakening until she goes to sleep at night and I am quite careful about anything physical that I do.
The frightening part of this is that my sense of invulnerability is gone, I may not ever be able to be as active and engaged in sports as I was before and that is depressing. I minimize the strong analgesics I take but I still seem to float in a haze, whether that is depression or drugs I don’t know. Where before words come easily and I can understand what I am thinking and why, now I struggle through a fog and everything seems stilted.
Jackie is more quiet, she responds much less and her affect is much lower. My accident and her change have affected everything. The house – and I – are much quieter. I realize that the end of something seems to be coming and I can’t wait any longer to start to live a bit again so I have scheduled 5 days in New York in the last of April and a long Memorial Day weekend in San Francisco.
I’m afraid my wife is going now and there is nothing to do.