I just had an epiphany, that kind of sudden insight into some portion of reality that, while it was enlightening, makes me feel stupid for not realizing what everybody else seemed to know.
I am exhausted every day, happy to get into bed and rest, happy to lie down for ten minutes, waking up earlier each day.
Every single portion of life has become difficult because every little thing takes so much emotional energy – and time – to get any little thing done.
When I make supper and call my wife, it is always fifteen minutes before she appears – while the food gets cold. No matter how early I call, she never gets there when the food is hot and ready. I like both hot food and eating with her. I have to sacrifice one of them.
If she wants to help by making a salad, I lay the ingredients out and it takes two hours for the salad to be finished, every piece of lettuce washed, rewashed and dried.
Wash dishes – two hours.
Go out to dinner – never happens. Five consecutive days, I’ve made plans and reservation and, at the last moment, she ‘feels sick.’
Doctor’s appointment at 1:30. She starts showering, etc at 9:30 and there is still a chance we’ll be late.
No matter how I fill the time I am waiting, always there is this nagging feeling that I am trapped into waiting on someone else’s schedule.
There is no way to push, or trick, her into being faster or staying on schedule. And that trying to push or trick is a constant useless effort, energy wasted.
I have made the promise to myself. If she’s not ready for dinner, I eat and go on with my evening.
If she’s not feeling like going out to a restaurant, I’m going.
Thanks for your attention – and for not telling me I’m stupid for not knowing this, so obvious, fact.