The Thought of a Secular Jew

If you’ve come here directly without a link from post entitled The Interaction of Religious Beliefs and Caregiving, I urge you to go back there and read that page to give this post some context.

I’m 66 years old and married for 46 years to my husband .  I’m from New Jersey but we’ve lived in Florida for 45 years.  We have 2 daughters and 5 grandchildren.  
At this moment we are sharing a home with our divorced daughter and her 3 kids.  It is both wonderful and not so wonderful.  
I sold our house because of financial reasons.  I really didn’t want to live alone with my husband; he gets agitated. He likes only to watch tv and sleep. 
We can’t have meaningful conversations. 
He looks fine but there is much missing; He can no longer works and is quite content to sleep and watch TV.  
I’m lonely but I would be more lonely if we had our own place. 
He has a moderate case of FTD and very bad COPD.  
He was intubated for 9 days a couple of years ago. He has the kind of dementia that most people can’t see.... if you know him very well and spend time it becomes more obvious

We are Jewish. I am not devout.  I was raised Jewish but certainly more for the traditions. 
I’m not very observant but I am Jewish and proud of it. I don’t actually think that it’s helped me in any way.  
Sad is just sad. 
I was 44 when my brother passed away. He was only 39.  After that I took care of my mom and then my dad.  And now my husband of 46 Years. 
I ask for Gods help like other people do.....when I’m desperate.  My husband has stronger beliefs then I do.  There was a time he put on teffilin every day. 
I think my husband would say he is religious.  He thinks it’s a miracle that he is alive and he thanks G d. 

I don't really think I feel that way. I don't wish to say that I don't believe in God but I have a hard time with good people dying and bad people living. ..
I cant stand children being ill.  I cry from animal abuse.  I’m sad over the state of our world.
My daughters and a couple of very special friends are my best support. But.....they all have lives of their own. 
I do need the love they show me and for that I am blessed. 
I think that when I ask G d for help it’s more instinctual.. I don't actually expect the help. 
After loved ones have died so what does that say?

I envy people that can give their problems over to God.  
I cant do it.  
I’m not sure if I’ve found any solace in my religion. 
I stopped going to Temple shortly after my brother died. 
I’m sorry I’m not more religious. 
Maybe it would be a comfort.


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